Special Pre-Election Edition

Yes, Canada – we are almost finished with this infernally long election campaign, and near free to return to our daily lives in blissful ignorance of Ottawa’s daily machinations.

Only a few more days and we can turn our attention back to the crumbling world around us: Osama bin Laden’s latest audio recording, the push to impeach George Bush, and of course the Oscars.

And in a scant few weeks, Canadians will fully heal the deep chasms dug between us, and pile our collective animosity onto other countries’ hockey teams during the Olympic Games in Italy.

But let’s keep our eyes on the ball: we still have two evils to choose between. Or do we? A very small percentage of Canadians have actually voted already – it’s still totally wide open. And I’m not talking last minute Stephen Harper skinny dipping pictures – I’m talking about a revolution of Canadians eschewing our wussy vote-by-fear tradition and voting for hope and a better Canada. I’m talking an NDP-Green majority government!

This week’s only Action Item: Vote.

Don’t vote for who the polls tell ya, Canada. Vote how you feel.

Don’t vote for the Canada you think is most pragmatic or realistic. Vote for the Canada you think would rock!

Keeping in mind that anyone can still win this election (except the Marxist-Leninists and Communists, who have tragically failed to “Unite the Soviet Left”), we have procured the draft victory speeches from each of the three major party leaders. Guess which is which!

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My fellow Canadians,

I CAN’T BELIEVE you fell for it AGAIN! I feel like Dark Helmet after he swindled Lone Star out of his Schwartz ring in Spaceballs!*

What is it now – five straight elections? Hey, did you know ‘gullible’ isn’t in the dictionary? Hey… hey Canada – did I ever tell you I’m also a distant relative of a former senior officer in the Nigerian government, and I have $2 million waiting for me to share with an investment partner in your country?

So anyways, I guess I’ll take that as a big ‘ol “Thumbs Up, Carry On” from the Canadian people. As you have come to expect and reconfirm with your votes yet again, I hereby take back everything I said in the last two months. Families? See ya! Students? Eat me. The poor? C’mon – you didn’t really think I cared, didya?

I’m off to devise some new corporate tax loopholes – who needs to cut ‘em if you can jus avoid ‘em altogether? I’ll see you suckers again in four years. Later.

* In the 1987 Mel Brooks epic, Dark Helmet (Rick Moranis) offers to shake hands with Lone Star (Bill Pullman) and swipes the light-saber ring off his hand. “That’s the oldest trick in the book!” cackles Helmet. Ah, what a riot.

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My fellow Canadians,

Hey, hey, the West is IN baby! We’ve been waiting for this day for decades – you Central-Eastern punks are gonna wish you never heard the words “National Energy Policy!” First new rule: cowboy hats are mandatory in the House of Commons!

Hoo-wee, that Liberal smiling thing really works. Man, I didn’t know I had muscles in my face that could do that – I literally ache from smiling so much.

Now I know you’re all anxious to begin the sell-off of government assets and institutions t o private developers and collectors! First up, the Parliament buildings themselves, followed by the National Parks.

But before we get there, and just before we remove the muzzles from 300 of our candidates, now that I have run a flawless campaign based on centrist appeasement, I would like to clarify our campaign slogans.

First, we have “Stand Up for Change.” I’m a Conservative. We don’t change squat. We conserve. And by conserve I mean conserve money in the pockets of rich folks. As of today, I am eliminating all taxes of all kinds, leaving y’all to the whim of the Almighty… the Almight Market, that is. I’m going on a bender in L.A. with last year’s federal budget surplus.

Which brings me to “Stand Up for Canada.” I haven’t liked Canada since the day I was born into it. All this social conscience, helping each other crap. I have had to wash my mouth out with money for the last six weeks spewing that garbage.

But first I have a few official details to take care of. As of this moment, I hereby release Michäelle Jean from her duties as Governor-General, and issue this “Middle Finger” declaration to Her Highness Queen Elizabeth:

“Dear Beth. You are no longer needed here. We, the people of Canada, now throw off the shackles of monarchy, toss our figurative tea into the habour and join our true destiny.”

My fellow Canadians, I am pleased to introduce my Supreme Overlord and, now, yours – our new Head of State, the U.S. Ambassador to Canada, David Wilkins!

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My fellow Canadians,

‘Sup?

My Campaign Manager is making me write this “just in case.” But I’m tired of giving the same old speech – I’ve given you my spiel for six weeks now, the same message over and over again, and you still never listen.

So I will break from my usual listing of NDP priorities and scripted talking points, and tell it like I see it – screw it nobody’s gonna hear this anyways:

For six weeks, Canadians have believed that they have only two choices. It’s like choosing socks in the morning. Canada has been wearing the same pair of socks for twelve years. They wreak. They’re full of holes. And they were supposed to be comfortable, but it turns out they’re no better than the itchy, starchy pair of socks we took off twelve years ago.

Those old starchy socks gave us a rash, blisters and nickel-sized corns. But we threw them in the wash and here they are again, looking up at us. “We’re clean,” they say. “Those socks you have on wreak – take ‘em off and try us on again!”

Forgetting the blisters, the corns, and the rash we still haven’t completely gotten rid of, Canadians were tempted to put on those starchy socks again.

“No, don’t,” scream the stinky, holey socks on our feet. “They gave you corns and a rash last time!”

“Yeah but you really wreak, socks. And I still have blisters you were supposed to fix,” we reason.

“Oh yeah, well we promise we’ll solve the blisters if you wear us again today.” And on it went, each pair of socks trying to convince Canadians to wear them.

And that’s the choice we’ve been given: a pair of holey, stinky socks in serious need of a trip to the laundry, or a pair of starchy socks that we know will give us corns, blisters and rashes.

Well, now Canadians have found a sweet pair of comfy, warm, homeknit slippers in the back of the closet. Canada has elected a government it can trust. A government it can be proud of. A government with integrity and class. And Buzz Hargrove can lick my nuts.

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The Election Song

- to the tune of “Take It Easy” by The Eagles (Jackson Brown and Glenn Frey)

Now here’s a little rhyme about election time,
You can tell the starting of the spree
Lots of signs are put up, Tory caucus told to shut up
Liberals sound like NDP
It’s ain’t easy, feels so sleasy,
They smile and nod and say whatever seems to please me
Canvassers come to your door, they wanna know just who you’re voting for
You lie and tell ‘em it’s them for sure
So that they go away

With the politicians listenin’, Canadians are bristlin’
Each with their own issue to barter
Save Sudan if you can, cut taxes for the man
Protect my dog’s rights in the Charter
It’s so crazy, all so hazy
Every person thinks their ideas are the best way
Come on, hey hey, how ‘bout Gay Moose Day?
I’m canvassin’ the legion, would ya come and save me

I got a weighin’ on my soul as I read all the polls
Got five major parties on my mind,
Three for corporations, one for separation, one says he’s a friend of mine
It ain’t easy, they all tease me
With lots of promises I know will never get to me
Liberals talk a big game, when they’re elected they’re NOT the same
The Tories would be and that’s a shame
Cuz they’re so crazy

It’s the same old dilemma, Nova Scotia or Alberta,
Two-way race with dweedle-dee and dum
They both work for the rich, can’t tell which is which
Just see that they ain’t helpin’ us out none
We’re so silly, we don’t vote NDP
From some outdated notion they’re a bunch of commies,
We all lose, the system wins, record profits will rise again,
While our public goods begin,
To go in de-cay

Now it’s time for me to choose, down a mickey of booze
And head to the local seniors den
I arrive and I discover, forgot who to vote fer
Who’d the polls say were winning again?
Maybe Tory, that’d be gory,
And with the Liberals it’d be the same old story
NDP’s in third I guess, it seems Canada never will progress
I think I’ll move to Quebec and vote yes,
And take it easy.

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