Election Over

Now that the federal election is over, it’s time for Canadians to get down to writing those overdue letters…

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Dear Paul,

You’ve noticed by now your luggage on the front lawn. Please know how truly sorry we are for the rather abrupt way this break-up was handled. But even you have to admit the signs were there for a long time – 56 days actually. Big gawdy ones all over public property, and still nobody’s come by to pick them up.

Paul, you tried so hard to win our undying love and be the number one man in our lives. The truth is, we loved you more as the sidekick. You were so hot back in your democratic reform and G-20 visionary days. But we guess it just was never meant to be.

Now we don’t want you to feel bad – it’s not you, it’s… well, okay it’s you. I mean, come on, we wouldn’t be dating this new creep if it weren’t that things were desperately wrong between you and us.

Paulie, you’re a sweet talker but you were never really there for us. When you would stare catatonically into space for weeks at a time, we just didn’t think we knew you any more.

Don’t get us wrong – you’re totally adorable when you talk about child care, reducing tuition and aboriginal issues, but we just got tired of waiting for you to come through, and we can’t wait forever for a fellow to commit. That’s what this new guy’s got: he may be going in a recklessly misguided direction, but at least he’s earnest and honest about it.

In the end, we suppose it was worth a shot. Our whirlwind fling wasn’t very eventful, but we will always remember the time you caved in and gave us new investment in social priorities instead of corporate tax cuts. Even though Jack made you do it, it was still a sweet gesture. Although turning your back and having your buddy Ralph tell the whole town it didn’t mean anything, and that you’d just bring the corporate cash grab back eventually was hurtful and you know it, Paul. You know it.

And don’t think we didn’t know all along about the affair you were having with that American airhead: talking deep integration, secretly joining his missile defence plan, and quietly helping him overthrow the democratically elected government of Haiti. You pretended it was nothing, what with your hot air on BSE and softwood. Shame on you for sneaking around like that.

In the end, we hope you’ll remember the good times (the ending of the deficit) over the bad ones (the starving of our treasured national social programs that resulted). We know we’ll never forget how proud we were during your awesome speech at the UN’s 60^th anniversary. We don’t know where that man went.

Or the same-sex marriage legislation. You were so cute and awkward about it.

And don’t feel bad when we fawn over this new guy’s accountability package and GST cuts – it’s just a rebound thing. We know you probably don't want to picture us with another man, but boy are we ever gonna get screwed. No worries, though: we’ll come to resent him soon enough, too, and dump him for someone new, hopefully soon.

Anyways, we guess we’ll see you around. State funerals. Canada Day maybe.

Take care. Hugs,

Canada [e]

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Breaking News: Hamas leader may not recognize Harper’s Conservatives

Ismail Haniyeh, the top candidate for Hamas in the Palestinian parliamentary elections this week has indicated that his new Hamas government may not recognize the “democratic credentials” of Canada’s Conservative Party.

Under Palestine’s mixed electoral system of multi-member constituencies and proportional representation, Hamas captured 76 of 132 seats with 45% of the popular vote.

“First of all, what kind of backwater democracy uses that archaic single-member first-past-the-post system?” taunted Haniyeh. “That is so 19^th century.”*

“Hamas is deeply concerned that a man with only 37% of the vote and a clear minority of seats would attempt to implement his aggressive agenda.”

Haniyeh did say he respected that Canada’s democratic system, albeit flawed compared to his own, had spoken. He congratulated Mr. Harper on being allowed to travel from Calgary to Ottawa, as Haniyeh himself is barred by the Israeli government from leaving Gaza to sit in the Palestinian legislature in the West Bank.

He remained open to Mr. Harper’s party – given their common platforms to “clean up government” – provided that the Conservatives show willingness to renounce some of the more troubling parts of their platform.

“As you know, we’ve always maintained that we support a secure Canada and a democratic Quebec,” said Haniyeh, echoing Stephen Harper’s comments from Thursday, “but for a nation to be truly democratic, it must renounce any use of regressive tax cuts.”

“You have more children in poverty than we have people altogether,” explained Haniyeh. “You tell me suicide bombing isn’t the way to peace, yet you think giving money to the rich will solve poverty – that corporate tax cuts create jobs? Your logic is as ludicrous as mine, my friend.”

Numerous world leaders have refused to recognize Hamas as a legitimate politcal actor given its countless terrorist attacks against innocent people. Haniyeh counters by accusing those same leaders of supporting “state-sponsored” terrorism, referring to the Israeli army’s continued occupation and military assualts against Palestinians.

“What do you call assassinating our leaders, bulldozing our houses, and pushing us further and further into poverty?” he asks, referring in part to the assassinations of Sheik Ahmed Yassin, a founder of Hamas and its spiritual leader, in March 2004 by an Israeli missile strike; and of his successor Abdel Aziz Rantisi, his son and a bodyguard less than a month by the same method.

“That, too is terrorism.”

In its charter, Hamas commits to the destruction of Israel.

“Oh, shit. Yeah, yeah about that,” argued Haniyeh. “Um…”

When asked if he would compare Hamas’ political and militant wings to Northern Ireland’s Sinn Fein and IRA – an arguably successful model of political inclusion encouraging a renouncement of terrorism – Haniyeh hesitated. “I’d say we’re more like Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld. Except our militant wing doesn’t randomly invade other countries for global economic domination, and then funnel billions of taxpayer defence dollars to a company owned by our political leader.”

Hamas also plans to re-consider Palestine’s recognition of the Republican Party as government of the United States. Haniyeh made it clear that President Bush would have to relinquish armed struggle and recognize the right of Iraq to exist before Hamas would work with him.

“I don't see how you can be a partner in peace if you assert the right to unilaterally invade other countries in your platform,” Haniyeh argued. “I know you can’t be a partner in peace if you have an armed wing [the U.S. Army].”

Turning finally to Israel, whose acting Prime Minister Ehud Olmert has refused to negotiate with a Hamas-led Palestinian government, Haniyeh agreed: “The Palestinian government will not negotiate with an Israeli administration if even part of it is an armed organization [the Israeli army] that calls for the destruction of our homes.”

48 per cent of Israelis believe their government should talk to a Palestinian Authority which includes Hamas members.

* All quotes attributed to Mr. Haniyeh are fictional. Several are very closely paraphrased from quotes by world leaders regarding Hamas, which have been reversed to reveal their ironic hypocrisy. [e]

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Good News Story of the Week

Two Canadian adventurers and global warming activists completed their voyage across the Atlantic Ocean in a two-person rowboat this week, adding more evidence to the adage that if your legs function and you drive your car to the corner store, you are a huge wuss.

121 days after leaving Lisbon, Portugal, Colin Angus and his fiancée Julie Wafaei coasted in to St. Lucia in their seven-metre plywood boat, apparently hungry. Angus is a mere 2,500-km row and a 7,500-km bike ride away from circumnavigating the globe entirely by human power. He left Vancouver 20 months ago with another expedition partner. They biked to Alaska, rowed across the Bering Strait, and skied, biked and hiked through Siberia to Moscow. Wafaei tagged in for the bike ride from Moscow to Lisbon and the cross-Atlantic row. They encountered two hurricanes en route.

“If we can propel ourselves around the world, will you propel yourself to work or school?” their website asks.

Stuck on a boat for three months, there is no indication where the coupled pooed, whether they are tired of tuna sanwiches, or how they got their exercise.

They expect to arrive back in Vancouver (via Costa Rica) in May.

Brad Guzzle, head of the Exxon Drive More Institute, dismissed the mission as out of the reach of ordinary people. “Sure, if there were an ocean beteween me and the corner store, or me and work, I'd row a boat there,” he argued. “But there isn't. So I have to drive.”

“Could they fit all their groceries in that boat? Or a new ladder they bought at Home Depot? Or get their kids' soccer team to the game? Didn't think so. You can't bring your bikes to the park in a boat.” [e]

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Action Item

A) Row across the Atlantic Ocean; or B) substitute human-powered transportation for your car at least once a week: bike, walk, ski, or skate somewhere! [e]

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